I am once again trapped in blodge.  Madeline never came to visit. I don't actually think I believed she ever would. My fingers are calloused and I have nothing to show for it.

Today is monday and it is a good day because the morning was happy and warm. I love laying in bed and drifting in and out of sleep with the orange light pouring over me. It makes me feel almost embryonic. As if I am contained within that orange aura.

Madeline is visiting me this weekend. Quite important. I am nervous to see how she reacts to my changes. Changes she doesn't and can't understand.

I'm reading this wonderful book and it said the funniest thing ever.

"Go to bed fucking thirsty" she yelled at the fern. "bitch" she said to the roots.

 

I am in blodge.

And I love you. bye.

Tonite was really lame.

Lonsomly. I get to go watch a movie all on my own now. The rest of this is white with mourning.

I woke up at two. If I wake up late, I'll have to be bored and doing nothing for less time. All I did today was play guitar, knit, and make cookies. I didn't even write. I haven't showered here because my brothers pubes, or whatever hairs he shaves stick to the sides and bottom of the bathtub along with a film of moldy dead skin. Gross. So I figure I can go another day without showering. I get to go back home tomorrow. My leg hairs are long and blonde and scratchy. I like rubbing paper against them, the kind without lines. It sounds like sandpaper. It sounds rough and untamed. If I rub lined paper against them it doesn't sound the same, because the hairs try to be neat and stay between lines.
Tonite I am going to go out with Alex Jeffie and Jade. Those were my friends last year. I lived with Alex in the dorm and then she moved to an apt so we don't see each other much anymore. I don't know what is going to happen tonight only it is garanteed that alcohol will be involved as I never really hang out with these people unless it's drunken college parties.
My mom made chicken and dumplings, the dumplings were from my great grandma's cookbook. I met her once when she was 96. One of her fingers were missing and she was so fragile and translucent. I remember not knowing what to say to her and being scared that she knew exactly what I was thinking. Sometimes I don't like being around old people because they intimidate  me. Sometimes I don't like being around anyone at all for the same reason.
I read in one of Aimee Bender's short stories about this girl who would talk to herself in the mirror to gain self confidence. I do that sometimes now because I want to see if it works. So every once in a while I'll stare at myself as suductively as I  can and say, "Look at that sexy girl...The things I would do to her..." It's a little weird.
I really enjoy making the weirdest faces I can. I think I am most excellent at doing so too.I don't think I've ever believed that your face can stay that way. Why would anyone tell there children that anyway? There isn't any harm in making silly faces.
I know that nobody in the entire world reads this. And I don't think that anyone would really be interested. My left fingertips are all calloused and I like it because that means I can win burning contests.
Bye.

I don't really know what to say. In fact, I typed a few lines and erased them twice already. Tonite I saw pritch and tyler and it was a fun time. I decided that I would rather be deaf then blind. Just because I think the world might be really pretty in a creepy sort of way without sounds. But I wouldn't really be able to play music anymore or listen to it. Or hear the sounds that people can make. What if a person lost his hearing as an adolecent and then he lived to be 80 and his hearing returned. What if  everything sounded completely different, like some weird comparison in time. Rambles.
Sometimes I have to tell myself to shut up. Sometimes it gets weird inside of my head when I do this though. It's like I become superconsious of myself talking to myself and I can't really make it go away. Little conversations. It gets creepy if I push it too far though.
Tonite I was sitting in this kid caesar's (like the salad?) car and I kept accidentally seeing the most disgusting images in my head. Like gagchokedie images and I kept telling myself to stop thinking of that stuff, but when I did, I couldn't help but to start thinking of more worse disgusting things. It really progressed rapidly. Sometimes that bothers me.
I live in an apt. with megan now and it's sort of wonderful.For the first week we were completely surrounded by people and slept like lions. I loved it. We watched this gerbil called daddy but pronounced dotty. Our stairs are the kind that you can see air through the cracks when you're walking up, like floating. If you put a gerbil on one of those, it's as good as a cage. I want to get a gerbil for every other stair. I think it would be really wonderful.
Well, I guess I have guitar knitting wine and movies waiting in the other room.
Bye.